This true story actually happened in my kitchen last night. Around five o’clock, I scooped dog kibble into their dishes, put cat crispies on the washing machine for Patience so she could eat in peace, and let the dogs in. I put the dog dishes down in the breakfast area. Nothing was amiss.

The dogs finished so I put them outside again. Still nothing remarkable. I went to the other end of the kitchen, got the human food onto plates and set those in the microwave. Punched the buttons and turned, idly waiting for them to heat.

And there it was. A dead body on the floor in the breakfast area exactly where I had walked only moments before. It was a mouse. Even from ten feet away, I could see it was dead. Patience ambled over to have a sniff. After I finished waving my hands uselessly and yelling “Where did that come from?!?” I checked it out. Dead. Sort of flat. And stiff, not so much in rigor as slightly desiccated. No smell. After I calmed down, I scooped it into an empty yogurt container and ferried it to the outside trash. Took a quick glance and could see a few ants rushing frantically around on the body as though they’d lost their trail.

Where did the body come from? It had clearly been moved from where it died, but how? And when? And by whom? Sometimes leaves and garden detritus ride into the kitchen caught on Shiner’s abundant tail feathers, but I think he would notice a whole mouse stuck there.

How did it die? There were no obvious signs of trauma, other than being squashed mostly flat, as though it had been crushed under something big. But what? I don’t clean my kitchen floors with a Zamboni. And although I may be approaching the weight of one, I didn’t step on it.

When did it die? Time of death was impossible to determine. I watch enough NCIS to know the presence of those insects was a clue, but otherwise, I’m at a loss.

This investigating murders thing is harder than it looks. And, as it turns out, not that fun when the body ends up on my own floor. Any of you have any idea how it came to be there?

Don’t be looking for a photograph attached to this post. I didn’t stop to snap one, and I’m not fishing that thing out of the trash just to satisfy your curiosity. Dead. Flat. Use your imagination.

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